Cooties (2014) [Blu-ray]
Action | Comedy | Horror | Sci-Fi

A mysterious virus hits an isolated elementary school, transforming the kids into a feral swarm of mass savages. An unlikely hero must lead a motley band of teachers in the fight of their lives.

Storyline: COOTIES is a horror comedy with unexpected laughs and unapologetic thrills. When a cafeteria food virus turns elementary school children into killer zombies, a group of misfit teachers must band together to escape the playground carnage. The film stars Elijah Wood (The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings), Rainn Wilson ("The Office"), and Alison Pill ("The Newsroom") as teachers who fight to survive the mayhem while hilariously bickering in an uncomfortable love triangle on the worst Monday of their lives. Written by Lionsgate Premiere

Reviewer's Note: Reviewed by Jeffrey Kauffman, November 22, 2015 -- Ah, for the halcyon days of elementary school, when we little boys were convinced girls had cooties and where writing "FBI" on the palm of your hand gave you the only known protection, "flea bag insurance" (I am not here to provide any logical reason as to why flea bag insurance keeps one cootie free; I attempt only to describe the situation). And also ah, for the halcyon days of carefree eating choices, in a pre-gluten, pre- vegan, pre-worry atmosphere where anything that was deemed "food" had to be good for you, or at least not too terribly bad for you. Both of these seemingly unrelated bits of nostalgia are rather unceremoniously combined in the fitfully amusing Cooties, a film that depicts the rather quick devolution of a horde of kids into feral beasts that are reminiscent of denizens of entries like Lord of the Flies or even The Walking Dead. The culprit causing all of this havoc is a pretty disgusting looking chicken tender that an unaware little girl munches on during her school lunch, but the film actually begins with the sad journey of that particular chicken through the food processing regimen that ultimately makes it into a bite sized chunk of breaded protein. That sequence may do for others what a little remembered documentary called The Animals Film did for me—i.e., convert me unabashedly to the ranks of vegetarians—for it details in a kind of sickening specificity how the sausage (or in this case, a chicken tender) gets made. For audience members who are already feeling squeamish, that tendency will probably only continue through the opening moments of the film, where the disgustingly discolored piece of former chicken flesh gets put through various preparatory steps before that unwitting little girl clamps her teeth down on it and we're greeted by the sight of an ooey, gooey gray - green ooze dripping out of the meat, obviously wending its way into the metabolism of the child eating it.

The kind of chicken you eat isn't the only fowl referenced in Cooties, for the entire film takes place in the somewhat whimsically named town of Ft. Chicken, Illinois (this burg is evidently fictional, though in the truth is stranger than fiction department, there actually is a place in Illinois called Chicken Bristle, which one assumes is completely different from chicken gristle). Aspiring horror writer Clint Hadson (Elijah Wood) has returned home to this quaint little town, foisting his latest works of "art" off on his mother, who struggles at times to find nice things to say about them. At least Clint has some income courtesy of his job as a substitute teacher, which brings him to the decidedly odd (and evidently summer schooled) environs of Ft. Chicken Elementary.

It's something of a horse race as to whether the kids or the teachers at this particular "learning" establishment are more off the wall. Clint interacts with a number of patently odd personnel at the school before coming face to face with Lucy McCormick (Allison Pill), a perky blonde teacher who went to school with Clint back in the day and for whom Clint has carried a torch ever since. Clint's initial excitement at this unexpected reunion is tempered when it's revealed that Lucy is dating the school's weirdly threatening PE teacher Wade Johnson (Rainn Wilson).

Meanwhile the hapless little girl who bit into the infected chicken tender has begun to show signs of—well, something. And in yet another of those "ah, for the halcyon days" moments, when a bullying little boy pulls the little girl's pigtail, there's ample evidence that things are falling apart in more than one way. Cooties repeatedly plays up the boneheaded ignorance of the teachers as this virus begins exploding through the student populace, and a couple of interlinked sequences find various adult characters carrying on with their regular day to day activities while all hell is breaking loose around (and/or behind) them.

Ultimately, of course, various gory deaths ensue and a handful of teachers and/or administrators finally figure out that they're all in mortal danger from an invading horde of flesh eating children. That sets up a traditional horror film ambience where the survivors try to figure out a way to keep surviving, all within a generally comic ambience that sees various relationships either blossom or devolve. The supporting cast includes Jack McBrayer in typically frantic mode, and Jorge Garcia seemingly revisiting Hurley from Lost with a probably intentionally referential focus on a van his character drives.

Cooties, somewhat like its zombie-fied children, tends to shuffle comedically rather than gallop, offering decent bits for the various adults while the kids wreak bloody havoc to fulfill the horror side of the equation. The fact that the film can wring any humor out of school hallways literally flooded with blood, a la The Shining , is something of a miracle, given the glut of horrific news reports featuring similar scenes from a variety of violent, usually gun related, incidents in public places, including schools. The film goes hyperbolically apocalyptic as it continues, making the already questionable conceit of killer children a bit less able to provide comedic dividends in the late going.

Note: My colleague Brian Orndorf offered a perhaps slightly more positive take on Cooties here.

Cooties' horror is probably more consistently effective than its comedy, and so those expecting a more or less equal blend of mayhem and mirth may be feeling disappointed in their laugh quotients. The film has whimsy to spare, but the grotesque blood and guts effects are so aggressive that the comedy tends to arrive pre-deflated, as it were. The cast is very energetic and fun to watch, and co-directors Milott and Murnion are obviously talents to keep an eye on. Recommended.

[CSW] -1.2- This is less of a movie than a skit that went on for far too long. Most of the humor comes from kids and adults using foul language, and I guess that's funny to a 3rd grader, but anyone older than that will not find much that's funny here. The plot is just run, hide, run, hide repeated over and over with a lot of yelling and screaming that is mixed with some pretty disgusting gore. I thought there had to be at least some humor in a "kid zombie" movie but I was wrong about this one. I was warned and didn't listen, so my bad. For the gore-only fans this one is almost perfect.
[V4.0-A4.5] MPEG-4 AVC - No D-Box.


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